


Samantha's Memories

by Sue Corkill (mscorkill)



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-26
Updated: 2012-04-26
Packaged: 2017-11-04 08:08:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/391645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mscorkill/pseuds/Sue%20Corkill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam experiences some unexpected repercussions to the Tok’ra memory recall device.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Samantha's Memories

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Birthday, Ann! Many thanks to Lola for her patience and input when I was bouncing ideas off of her while writing this during our vacation at Lake Tahoe. And as always, thanks to Wendy for her support and encouragement.
> 
>  
> 
> Originally posted July 2002.

SAMANTHA’S MEMORIES

 

Jack kept his eyes closed and his breathing even, pretending to be asleep so his lover could slip silently out of their bed and not have to make up more excuses to him. It had been the same story every night since their return two weeks ago from Netu and Sam’s impromptu three-day ‘vacation’ with her father. Not that he thought Jacob had anything to do with the current state of affairs between them. No, this was something altogether different, and the hell of it was he just didn’t know what the problem was! He heard the bedroom door quietly open, then close. Rolling over onto his back, Jack opened his eyes and stared up at the ceiling as the first faint light of dawn peeked in through the curtains. She couldn’t go on like this, hell—they couldn’t go on like this! And he wasn’t the only one concerned, he knew Daniel and Teal’c had also noticed her withdrawn behavior. Fraiser put it down to a mild depression and the additional stresses Sam had had with their mission to rescue Jacob. And Jack knew the Doc was probably dead on with that one. The Tok’ra had once more fucked with her brain, and in typical Carter fashion she was ignoring the sequelae.

 

He sighed, thinking back over the last ten days—and nights. He knew Hammond had been keeping them all close to base until his leg fully healed and until all of SG-1 had been cleared by Mackenzie—and deemed mentally fit after the psychological torture meted out by Apophis. Jack smiled grimly, they’d all managed to pass their psych evals in a week, Carter included. Fraiser wanted him off duty for one more week before signing him off—SG-1 fighting fit and ready to return to saving the world! So, Jack O’Neill was the only one who knew that his lover and second slept for less than five hours every night, waiting to join him in bed until after he was asleep and rising in the early light of dawn. That she would only pick at the food on her plate at dinner before sequestering herself in the corner of the den that was ‘her’ office. That she had given him the same feeble excuse for the last week and a half about needing to catch up on all her work until even it had to sound false to her ears! And that she had rebuffed every sexual advance from him since their return—it was getting to the point where he wondered when she would quit joining him in their bed altogether. 

 

And, the hell of it was, he’d been letting her get away with it, giving her some ‘space’. Hell, they only had one more week before they’d be back on active duty and off world and he was probably the only one who knew Sam wasn’t anywhere near ready for that. It was time to quit waiting for her to get over whatever it was that was bothering her. She may have succeeded in convincing Fraiser and Mackenzie she was fit for duty...now she would have to convince him.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Jack watched as Sam drove off, the memory of her subtle flinch when he had kissed her cheek in good bye fortifying his earlier resolve that he needed to do something before she completely withdrew from him. Quickly cleaning up the remains of another breakfast she hadn’t eaten, he finally arrived at a plan and placed a phone call.

 

Hanging up the phone, Jack felt extremely satisfied with how his ‘plan’ was progressing. God bless Alice and Kenny, he thought. Long time friends of the family, they had immediately agreed to his request to use their cabin at Lake George. As long as Sam had access to the SGC, she would continue to lock herself away. Jack had been through too much of his own denial and depression to not be able to immediately recognize the same pattern in his lover. He glanced at his watch, even though he wasn’t officially on duty, he still stopped in at the SGC every day—for Fraiser to check on his leg and to make sure Sam had something for lunch. He also had a PT appointment today at the Academy Hospital—he hoped he’d be able to persuade Mindy, the therapist, to release him early. He sure didn’t want to have to explain to Fraiser what was going on! And...he’d also be able to process the paperwork for Sam’s ‘leave’.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Bingo! This was his lucky day, Jack thought, as he pulled his trousers up, still careful of the light dressing that was present on his thigh. Fraiser was off duty, so Boatman—the physician’s assistant—had checked his wound. Still relatively new to the SGC, Jack had encountered little difficulty in persuading the younger man to extend the time for his next checkup for a week and provided him with extra dressings. And happily, Mindy had been more than glad to release him with his promise to continue the prescribed exercises. He had only one more hurdle—to persuade Sam to agree to his plan. 

 

“Hey,” he said softly, not wanting to startle her as he walked through the open door of her lab, closing the door behind him. She looked up from her laptop, her blue eyes lighting up briefly before once more becoming shadowed.

 

“Colonel,” she murmured, somehow looking pleased and terrified at the same time. “Is it lunch time already?”

 

“I brought it to you today.” He set the small bag down on the counter, pulling out the half-a-chicken sandwich, banana and diet soda Halvorson had packed up for him. She smiled faintly at him, one of the few genuine smiles he’d seen from her in days.

 

“Thanks sir, I appreciate it.” She frowned at the laptop. “I’ve been getting bogged down in these calculations.” 

 

Jack looked over her shoulder at the screen—which was filled with numbers, or what he could only assume was a long mathematical equation. “Maybe you should take a break for a few minutes?” he offered cautiously. He watched with relief as she hit ‘save’ and closed the lid on the computer. Pulling up and sitting down on the stool next to hers, he unwrapped the sandwich and handed it to her. “Here.”

 

“Thanks,” she replied, taking the sandwich from him and actually taking a couple of bites before setting it down. He popped the top on the soda and silently handed it to her. She took a long drink and he smiled as she delicately burped. He peeled the banana next and handed it to her. 

 

“So, Sam...” he ventured as she took a bite of the banana. “I was thinking that maybe we could go away for a few days, take a break before we’re due back on duty.”

 

The initial look she gave him could only be described as terrified, but she quickly pulled herself together and he watched silently as she thought over his proposition. She was too smart to not know he was doing this on purpose. Her behavior had been so atypical since their return from Netu, he knew instinctively that she realized something had to happen. Neither of them could go on with the current situation.

 

She didn’t say anything for so long that he was sure she was trying to figure out how to tell him no. He looked at her bowed head, relief flooding through him when she lifted her head and spoke, her eyes and tone cautious. “That sounds nice, Jack. What did you have in mind?”

 

He tried to subdue his grin at her words, not wanting to frighten her. “Alice and Kenny said we could use the cabin.”

 

She nodded, and he could tell she was still trying to decide. Early November in the mountains could go either way, as far as the weather went, but she had been to the Ackley’s cabin before and knew it lacked for nothing in the way of amenities. “I’d like that,” she finally said. 

 

“Great,” he replied, standing. “Try to get home early, so we can have plenty of time, okay?”

 

“Today?” she asked, hesitation back in her voice.

 

“Yeah, today.” He looked at her intently, his eyes serious. “It’ll be good for us, Sam.” She nodded her assent; his heart aching at her solemn expression as he turned and left.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Sam glanced at her watch as she pulled in the driveway, maneuvering her Volvo past the truck and into the open garage. 1830—Jack was going to be mad with her for not getting home earlier. She turned off the engine and set the parking brake, taking a deep breath. No, she reminded herself, Jack wouldn’t be mad. He’d been the epitome of restraint and caring since returning from Netu—but she must have finally pushed him too far and she had to admit she was relieved that he was finally doing something! She could hide it from everyone except herself—and Jack—that she had been plagued with this terrible inertia since their return from Netu. That, and the memories, but she quickly ignored that thought and turned her thoughts back to her lover. Maybe time away at the Ackley’s cabin would enable her to finally start working through the continuing hell her life had become in the aftermath of Netu. She grabbed her briefcase and squaring her shoulders, let herself in through the kitchen door.

 

“Sam?”

 

He didn’t sound mad, only worried. She walked to the entryway to the living room, steeling herself as he approached her, his smile tender. Sam forced herself not to move away as he kissed her cheek, keeping her eyes open and repeating over and over in her mind, “It’s Jack, it’s Jack.” He stepped back, and she handed him her briefcase when he reached for it, shrugging out of her jacket.

 

“I’m sorry I’m late,” she quickly apologized, “the time got away from me....” She paused, not wanting to add that she’d spent the entire afternoon staring at the same computer screen she’d been working on when he’d brought her lunch.

 

“Hey, it’s okay,” he told her. His understanding only made her feel worse. “I set your duffel out on the bed.”

 

“Okay,” she took her briefcase back from him and started down the hall towards the bedroom.

 

“We’ll be gone about a week,” he called to her.

 

Her duffel lay, as stated, in the middle of the bed. The bed was neatly made; the room clean and tidy. She sighed, wondering where she was going to get the energy to pack, only the fear that Jack would follow her and demand an explanation forcing her into action. Her eyes filled with tears as she started stuffing clothing into the duffel, not that Jack would ever do that, he’d only give her that sad and wounded look that tore at her heart and start to pack for her....

 

“Sam?” 

 

She looked up quickly, realizing she’d been standing still, a handful of panties in her hand, staring at the duffel for god knows how long. 

 

“Need some help?” he asked, his voice casual as he leaned against the doorjamb.

 

“No,” she quickly reassured him, flushing slightly and moving more quickly, grabbed some jeans, tops and sweats, finishing her packing while he silently watched from the doorway. She threw in her nightgown, robe and slippers, zipping the duffel closed. “There,” she told him. “Just let me get my toiletries.”

 

“Okay hon,” he grabbed the duffel. “Which shoes do you want?” She paused at the door to the adjoining bathroom, indecision on her face. She smiled gratefully when he said, “I’ll get your boots and tennis shoes?”

 

Sam nodded; she had loafers on, so that should be enough. Though she doubted very much whether they’d leave the cabin once they were there. Quickly packing up her toiletries, she returned to the bedroom and rummaged around in the closet for her backpack, dumping the contents of her briefcase into it, along with a couple of paperbacks. She dithered over the laptop, finally sliding it into the slot in the backpack when she heard Jack holler, “Sam?”

 

She tugged the backpack closed and shutting out the lights, hurried up the hall. He didn’t sound impatient...but, she’d already tested him enough for one night. Rushing into the living room, she saw that Jack already had his heavy jacket on. “Ready,” she told him, just a bit breathless. Handing him the backpack, she pulled her heavier coat out of the front closet. She accepted his help, once more forcing herself to remain still under his touch, continually reminded herself that it was Jack who stood so close to her, his overwhelming presence behind her, overpowering her.... She stepped away quickly once his hands left her shoulders, her breath coming in shallow gasps. If he noticed, he didn’t say anything, he merely opened the front door and ushered her out to the waiting truck.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

They made the two-hour drive relatively quickly, probably because their late start helped them miss most of the Friday evening traffic. Jack kept up a light patter of conversation, not expecting too much in turns of response from her, for which she was grateful. Sam knew she’d have a reprieve until at least tomorrow, before he’d start asking questions and expecting answers. Even though she had rehearsed in her mind thousands of times what she wanted to say to him, the few times when she’d actually tried, the words just wouldn’t come. She wasn’t sure she fully understood what was happening to her, much less be able to explain it to him. A casual, ‘Oh by the way, my head is even more screwed up than before because of Jolinar’, just didn’t seem like it would cover everything that she felt. Logically, she knew that the line between her memories and Jolinar’s had been blurred due to the Tok’ra memory device used by Martouf and Apophis. Emotionally, well, she felt like she was being overwhelmed with Jolinar’s memories and that she, Samantha Carter, was going to disappear amidst the confusion.

 

She shivered slightly and Jack immediately asked, “Are you cold? Need me to turn up the heat?”

 

“No,” she shook her head; “I’m okay.” She glanced sideways at him, his features illuminated by the dash light. He smiled at her, then returned his attention to the road. He looked tired, she suddenly realized. And when his hand dropped down from the steering wheel to massage his right thigh briefly, she felt even more guilt. She’d become so wrapped up in her own problems she’d completely forgotten about his injury—and the psychological torture he’d suffered at the hands of Apophis, as well.

 

She felt tears start to form. Damn the man! He shouldn’t be this kind and caring for her! She didn’t deserve this kind of treatment from him...but she was so utterly grateful to him for his care and understanding that it frightened her. If she couldn’t do it for herself, she decided, firming up her resolve, she’d do it for Jack.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

It was 2230 by the time Jack had unloaded the truck and brought everything inside. He then heated up some soup and watched as Sam struggled to eat even half a bowl, the drive up here apparently exhausting her. He was tired himself and his thigh was throbbing. “Why don’t you go get ready for bed, and I’ll clean up here,” he gently told her, removing the spoon from her hand and picking up the half-eaten bowl of soup. “We can finish the unpacking in the morning.” He ignored the tightening in his gut, when her eyes got that panicked look at the mention of ‘bed’. He firmed his resolve; he was on a mission and this was the first sortie.

 

Jack set the dishes down in the sink and she slowly stood. He walked up behind her and caught her shoulders, kissing her nape. She shivered and while half of him hoped it was from arousal, the more realistic half acknowledging it was something else. “Go get ready,” he released her shoulders, giving her a little swat on the butt. “I’ll finish up here and be there in a few minutes.” She nodded her head, her back still towards him and silently left the room. He stood there for a long moment, his thoughts following the same, tired flow. She seemed scared of intimate contact, yet he knew she hadn’t been sexually assaulted while on Netu. So that left the damn memory recall device. Jack worked automatically, placing the dishes in the dishwasher, cleaning the kitchen and unpacking the groceries they’d brought. He was fairly certain Sam had never been the victim of a sexual assault, so that could only mean one thing—whatever was influencing her behavior came from Jolinar. Damn the Tok’ra! He scrubbed the counter vigorously; somehow it always got back to them. While he knew Sam didn’t begrudge the necessity of using Jolinar’s knowledge to rescue her father, they should have been made more aware of the possible aftereffects. But then, the Tok’ra were very much like the Goa’uld when you got right down to it, using other races—and other Tok’ra—to further their cause with callous indifference for the welfare of the individual. And while Jack could admire a certain ruthlessness in their tactics, as a whole, it left a bad taste in his mouth. He looked down at the rag in his hand, hell, he’d been scrubbing the same spot for so long it was a wonder there wasn’t a hole! He quickly filled the coffee maker and set the timer for 0630. He wasn’t a late sleeper and hell, who knew what time Sam would get up?

 

Jack quickly locked up and set the security alarm before making his way down the short hallway to the master bedroom. Sam was already in bed, curled up on the far edge of the king-sized bed with her back to the door. He sighed heavily, well, at least she was in this bed instead of the one in the other bedroom. But then, she probably figured, that he would follow her to whichever bed she would have chosen—and she’d have been right! Jack quickly got ready for bed, stripping down to his boxers and T-shirt. He checked his dressing, looked okay and he was due to change it in the morning, regardless. Shutting out the light, he slid into the bed. He knew Sam was still awake, her breathing had become faster once he’d entered the room. Turning onto his side towards her, he shifted until he could pull her back into the cradle of his body, one arm coming to rest around her and holding her in place. He silently cursed Martouf and Apophis when she stiffened against him. Snuggling up against her back he murmured, “It’s okay, baby. I just want to hold you.” 

 

He was immeasurably relieved when she let out a long sigh and he felt her tight muscles start to relax against him. He could barely hear her softly whispered, “Goodnight,” but that was okay. She was in his arms—however reluctantly—and that was enough for now. 

 

Nuzzling her neck, he murmured, “Good night, babe.” And then he lay awake; holding her close and not letting himself fall asleep until after she did.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Sam struggled frantically through the fading remnants of her dream. She was being held down, she couldn’t move, strong arms keeping her pinned in place. Gasping for breath, she finally managed to open her eyes and found herself held tight in Jack’s embrace, his body half lying over hers. She took deep breaths, willing herself to stay where she was and not leap out of bed like her mind screamed for her to do. It’s Jack, it’s Jack; she repeated the mantra that had become almost a ritual since their return from Netu. Thankfully Jack hadn’t woken, and she allowed herself the guilty pleasure of feeling his arms around her and his body pressed so close. She took a deep breath, he smelled so good, and not at all like Bynar...she felt a sudden surge of nausea at the unbidden memory and did slide out of his arms and the bed then.

 

Slipping quietly into the bathroom, she carefully closed the door and turned on the light, blinking at the sudden brightness. She leaned over the sink, taking deep breaths until her nausea passed. Splashing cold water on her face, she groped around for a hand towel. Drying her face, she looked up and into the mirror. Good god, she looked awful. Her hair was dull and lifeless, the dark circles under her eyes accentuating the hollowness of her cheekbones. She knew she’d lost some weight, but she looked almost gaunt in the harsh light of the bathroom. God, she had to get past this! While she knew she was nowhere near the level of depression she’d been in after Jolinar’s death, she was verging on a mild clinical depression. Mackenzie had recognized it and that’s why tucked in the bottom of her toiletry bag was the small bottle of the anti-depressant Paroxetine. Just take it for a month, he had told her, to get over the initial symptoms. Then, she could stop. She had nodded and accepted the prescription—and even gotten it filled, but had rebelled at the thought of using more mind-altering chemicals on her already screwed up brain! Ignoring her reflection, she took her robe off the hook from behind the door and put it on, slipping quietly out of the bathroom and bedroom, leaving her lover sleeping by himself.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Sam stared at the open page of her book and re-read the same paragraph for at least the tenth time. Finally closing it up, she looked across the spacious living room to where Jack sat on the sofa, watching some college football game. An early winter storm had moved in overnight, and a light rain had been falling all day. Jack had lit a fire in the huge stone fireplace after lunch and had then settled in front of the TV. He looked relaxed, a beer in one hand, the TV remote close by to the other. And surprisingly enough, she felt a little more relaxed too. 

 

Jack hadn’t gotten out of bed until almost seven. His good morning kiss had still unsettled her, but her success at actually managing to stay in his arms during the night had tempered her feeling of failure somewhat. For breakfast, she had managed to down a small container of yogurt while he had his customary double serving of maple and brown sugar instant Oatmeal. They had spent the rest of the morning leisurely finishing their unpacking. If Jack noticed that she timed her shower to avoid having to share the bathroom with him, he didn’t say anything. Lunch had been tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches, with Jack finishing what she couldn’t eat. It was then that he’d built the fire and they’d taken their respective places in the living room. It gnawed at her that she didn’t have the courage to sit next to him on the sofa. He set his beer bottle down and Sam could tell it was empty. She took a deep breath, if Jack had the courage to stick with her through this, the least she could do was meet him halfway.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Jack looked up from the TV in surprise when Sam sat down next to him. And it was with a sense of shocked delight that he took the beer she handed him.

 

“Here,” she said, handing him the long neck, “I saw yours was empty.”

 

He took it from her. “Thanks,” he replied automatically as she took a sip from her can of diet soda.

 

“So, who’s playing?” she asked, her gaze focused on the TV. He could sense her nervousness in the tense set of her posture and her voice. Even though she was sitting on the sofa next to him, she was careful to keep some distance between them.

 

“CU and Iowa State,” he told her. “CU’s ahead by six.”

 

“Will they win?”

 

He chuckled, “It’s just the beginning of the fourth quarter, hard to tell yet.” Not wanting to push her, Jack turned his attention back to the game, and was rewarded a few minutes later when she spoke again.

 

“This is nice, Jack. I’m glad you suggested it.”

 

Hoping she might actually want to talk, he hit the mute button on the remote. He looked at her, taking in her tired features and melancholy expression. “I thought maybe we could both use some time away together, after everything that happened on Netu.”

 

Her entire body tensed when he mentioned Netu. Hell, he thought, he was right on the mark and he wasn’t sure whether that was good or not. 

 

“It was...more difficult than I thought it would be,’ she offered, her voice tentative.

 

He chuckled dryly. “Yeah, who could have imagined Apophis would be there?”

 

She smiled, though it didn’t quite reach her eyes. Her expression suddenly became serious as she shifted a bit, so that she faced him. “What memory did he use, Jack? To try and break you?”

 

They hadn’t ever talked about it, she hadn’t seemed to want to and well, he’d long ago worked through and put to rest the ghosts in his past. “What you might imagine. He used a memory of Charlie, one from a few weeks before his death.”

 

“Oh Jack,” she murmured, reaching out and resting a gentle hand on his thigh.

 

He practically stopped breathing. This was the first time she’d voluntarily touched him in almost two weeks. He didn’t make any move to reciprocate; he just answered her honestly. “It’s all right, Sam. I learned to deal with those memories a long time ago.” He smiled wryly. “Of course, that damned ‘Blood of Sokar’ made it seem all too real at the time, but afterwards?” He snorted, “It was old news.”

 

She nodded, removing her hand from its resting-place on his thigh and he felt the loss acutely. But instead of pushing her physically, he asked, in what he hoped was a tone of casual interest, “What about you?”

 

Her features seemed to freeze and he could see her visibly try to relax. And then she was quiet for so long, he finally said, “Hey, it’s alright, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

 

“No, I want to.” She drew her knees up, hugging them. “It was my mother’s accident. He tried to play on my feelings for my father.” She frowned slightly. ”But, it didn’t really work. I saw through it right away.”

 

“He couldn’t get to you because it was old news, eh?”

 

Her face lightened and she actually chuckled. “Yeah, old news. Dad and I resolved that issue long ago.”

 

“That’s good,” he added, not sure what else to say. She fell silent then as well and he turned his attention back to the muted TV. CU had just scored. Sam got up moments later and wandered out of the living room. Jack watched her go, his thoughts returning to their recent conversation. He was no psychiatrist, even though he’d encountered plenty during his life. He really didn’t know how far he could push her. This afternoon had surprised him; maybe he just needed to stay cool. She obviously wanted to talk; he’d just need to be sensitive to that. He snorted, hell, he must really be in love, he decided. His ex-wife would have looked at him like he’d grown two heads if she would have ever heard him ever use the word ‘sensitive’. But...Sam and his relationship with her was worth a little sensitivity. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Sam brushed her teeth slowly, taking extra time, scouring each tooth methodically and carefully. She knew she was stalling, and while part of her wanted to join Jack in bed, the part of her that was still stuck in Jolinar’s memories didn’t. She was the stronger one though, she kept reminding herself. She and Jack had had an actual conversation about what had happened on Netu. She shivered, it was a start, and maybe tomorrow she could tell him more. Rinsing and spitting one final time, she wiped her mouth and, giving her reflection a weak smile, walked nervously into the bedroom.

 

Jack was already in bed. He smiled at her as she quickly crossed to the bed, slipping under the covers next to him. He shut out the light, plunging the room into darkness. She closed her eyes as she felt the mattress shift, bracing herself, her mantra running through her mind: “It’s Jack, it’s Jack....” She waited...and...nothing happened. She opened her eyes, her vision adjusting rapidly to the dark room. She glanced towards Jack; he lay with his back to her, his breathing pattern already in the slow and steady rhythm of sleep. Sam felt even more confused, she had expected him to approach her, but he hadn’t—which made her feel even guiltier. He deserved something from her...her palms felt sweaty as she rolled slowly to her side and nestled close to his back, carefully slipping an arm around him. Closing her eyes, she buried her face in his nape, as she had done so many times in the past. He was so warm. She smiled to herself, he smelled like Jack and it felt so right to be lying close to him again.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

For the first time in a long time, Jack woke before Sam. Even more surprising to him was the feel of her warm body pressed up against his back. It was a nice feeling and one he’d missed. Rolling over carefully, so that he faced her, he studied her relaxed features as she slept. He loved her so much, he really hoped they could work this out. She looked so beautiful, he couldn’t stop himself from reaching out and delicately stroking her face. She stirred and opened her eyes, her expression open and unguarded as she smiled sleepily at him.

 

“Good morning,” he whispered, running his hand down her shoulder and side, resting it on her hip. He thought he could sense a subtle tenseness in her muscles, but—more importantly—she hadn’t pulled away.

 

“Good morning, yourself,” she murmured back, her voice soft and sleepy.

 

Encouraged, he shifted closer and brushed her lips gently with his. It was the sweetest touch...until she pulled away and sat up. Jack closed his eyes, almost groaning aloud in frustration as he rolled to his back. He expected her to immediately jump out of bed, but she didn’t. He opened his eyes and looked over at her. She sat with her legs drawn up, her arms around them, resting her face on her knees. 

 

He reached out and gently trailed his fingers down her arm. She flinched again at his touch, and he sighed roughly, letting his hand fall away.

 

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled, her voice barely audible.

 

“For god’s sake, Sam! How can I fix what’s wrong between us when you won’t tell me what it is?” He knew his tone was tired and accusing, but he just didn’t know what else to do. He had seemed so close to breaking through some of the barriers between them, obviously there had been more to Apophis’ torture than she had told him. “Whatever memories Apophis used against you, we can work through it together.”

 

“It wasn’t Apophis.”

 

Her voice was so slow, he wasn’t sure he had heard her correctly. “What?” he asked, looking at her bowed form in total confusion. If it wasn’t Apophis, than whom else could it have been?

 

She lifted her head up off her knees and looked at him. He winced at the utterly bleak look in her blue eyes. “It wasn’t anything Apophis did. It was Jolinar.” With her confession, she slipped out of bed and, momentarily frozen by her words, Jack watched her walk into the bathroom. 

 

Her words surprised him so much; he didn’t know what to say! Jolinar? Hell...damn Martouf and his damn memory recall device, he thought angrily, venting some of his anger and frustration at their current situation on the Tok’ra. What had that devious bastard done to Sam? Hell, he knew the other man was half in love with Sam, but he had always viewed Martouf as one of the more honorable of the Tok’ra. He had a hard time imagining Martouf doing anything to deliberately harm Sam. Sitting up then, Jack rubbed his face wearily, so much for a good night’s sleep. Pulling on some sweats, he left Sam to her privacy and went in search of coffee.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Jack was on his second cup of coffee when Sam wandered hesitantly into the kitchen. She stood in the doorway, her smile tentative. “Is there any more coffee?” she asked, and he could tell she was trying to act normal.

 

“Yeah,” he said, getting up from the table and taking a mug out of the cupboard. He looked out the kitchen window; the firs and pine trees were dusted with a light powder of snow that had fallen overnight. The sky was still cloudy and Jack figured they’d be in for more snow before the day was over. Pouring the coffee, he turned back towards Sam and crossed to the door, handing her the steaming mug.

 

She took it, taking a cautious sip. “Thanks,” she murmured.

 

Jack returned to the kitchen table and the newspaper spread out there. While she’d been in the shower, he’d made a quick trip down to the little settlement on the highway and picked up the Sunday paper. “Anything new or exciting in the paper?” she asked, taking a few more steps into the room.

 

“Nah,” he replied, tossing the world news section back on the table. “Same old, same old.”

 

She sat down at the table, opposite him. “Jack....”

 

He held up his hand. “Sam, I know we can work through whatever is happening, but you’ve got to trust me, babe.”

 

She looked down at her coffee mug, her fingers dancing nervously around it. “I do trust you, Jack,” She looked up at him then and he could see the shimmer of tears in her eyes. “It’s just so hard.”

 

He reached across the table and taking hold of one of her hands, holding it firmly when she gently tried to tug it free. Rubbing his thumb in a gentle caress across the back of her hand he replied, “I know, Sam. But you know as well as I do we have to work this out before the twelfth,” he said, naming the date they were all to return to active duty.

 

She nodded solemnly and he released her hand with a final squeeze. “You’re one of the strongest women I know, Sam. We can do this together.” He could tell by her look that she wasn’t sure if she believed him or not. The next step would be up to her. He sighed and stood up, running a hand through his hair. “I’m going to take a shower.” Grabbing his coffee mug, he left her and her thoughts in the kitchen.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Sam watched Jack’s retreating figure, cursing herself for her cowardice. If she was one of the strongest women he knew, why did she feel like such a weakling and a failure? Brushing at her eyes, she willed herself to stop the fall of tears. God, she’d done enough crying over this for one lifetime! Jack’s comment about resolving this before the twelfth had shaken her. How had she ever thought that merely convincing Fraiser and Mackenzie of her suitability for duty would be enough? She smiled grimly, this was definitely one situation where sleeping with your CO was a disadvantage.

 

It had felt good, she remembered sadly, waking up in Jack’s arms, his handsome face just inches from hers. In those few brief moments after waking she hadn’t been conscious of anything except him, and then he’d kissed her. And she had totally over-reacted! He had shown her nothing but the utmost of patience, but she had seen this morning that even he didn’t have a limitless supply of it where she was concerned. She’d tell him tonight, she decided, in a sudden rush of courage.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Sam set her book aside and stood up, walking over to the large picture window and staring out at the falling snow. She pulled her sweater closer, shivering a bit. The weather had turned decidedly colder and while the fire warmed the room nicely, it was still cool by the window. Of course, it didn’t help that she was as twitchy as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs! 

 

After a leisurely morning of reading the paper, Jack had persuaded her to take a walk around the lake with him. She had readily agreed, needing the fresh air and something to help work off some of the nervous energy that had been building within her ever since she’d decided to really tell him what was going on. They had started out, their feet leaving a trail of footprints in the light snow cover, walking through the quiet enclave of very private homes and cabins. She had almost cried when she saw him reach out with his hand towards her, like he wanted to hold her hand, but had second thoughts and let his arm drop back down to his side. That one brief gesture had served to bolster her flagging resolve to finally tell him everything. My god, she felt terrible that she had pushed him away so much that he was even hesitant to hold her hand! How had she ever let things get this out of control? They had been almost back to the cabin when the few snow flurries that had been showering them with occasional snow flakes quit being flurries and it began snowing in earnest.

 

They’d had a late lunch and while she knew Jack wasn’t pleased that she still just picked at her food, her stomach was in just too many knots of worry and anticipation of her plan to ‘talk’ later that day. And now, now she was so tense she felt like she was going to jump out of her skin any minute! Jack sat apparently engrossed, once more, in a football game. Though, she would catch him periodically glancing her way—checking up on her, she decided. Which maybe wasn’t such a bad idea, she acknowledged ruefully. Her previous lethargy had given way to an equally unproductive nervous tension. She was one well and truly screwed up mess!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Jack?” He wasn’t sure Sam had spoken until he looked over towards her, where she stood by the window, her voice had been so quiet and unsure.

 

“What?” he asked, his attention momentarily distracted by a scoring touchdown in the game on the TV.

 

“How do you live with the memories that are just too terrible?”

 

Hell, the Vikings missed the extra point...and Jack suddenly froze as Sam’s question finally penetrated to his brain. He slowly and deliberately shut off the TV and leaning back on the sofa, regarded her seriously. He knew she’d been on pins and needles since his ultimatum this morning and it looked like she was going to finally try and tell him what was going on with her. And hell, she had certainly chosen quite the opening remark!

 

“You just learn to live with, Sam. You accept that what’s happened can’t be undone, no matter how horrible and how much you want it to be undone and...you get on with your life.” He laughed mirthlessly, “Of course, in most instances, that’s easier said than done.” 

 

She nodded solemnly.

 

When she didn’t say anything more, he decided he might as well just ask the obvious question. “What memory can’t you live with, Sam?” 

 

He watched anxiously as she shivered, wrapping her arms tightly around herself. Fuck, he had just about decided that he should have kept his mouth shut when she left her post by the window and crossed to where he sat on the large sofa. Sam surprised him by sinking gracefully down onto the floor at his feet, instead of sitting next to him. She shifted a bit, and then leaned against his legs, the physical contact unexpected. He didn’t touch her, didn’t do anything that would disturb the fragile contact.

 

“Tell me what happened, babe,” he encouraged her. He hoped the fragile rapport they seemed to be establishing would give her enough of a sense of security to continue.

 

“I was doing pretty well with the memories of Jolinar that the recall device was eliciting until...”

 

Her voice trailed off and he murmured softly in encouragement. He was doing his best to keep his tone neutral, in the light of her earlier confession that it was something to do with that bitch Jolinar.

 

“...until Apophis gave us that ‘Blood of Sokar’ to stimulate our memories and so he could try to manipulate them.” She leaned a little more heavily against him, moving a bit so she could rest her head against his knee. God! It was all he could do to stop himself from reaching out and caressing her hair. Taking a deep breath, he forced himself to concentrate on her words.

 

“Before this mission, I’d never really had all that many concrete memories of Jolinar. Just bits and pieces of information, random thoughts and global feelings.” She chuckled dryly, an almost bitter sound to his ears. “But what with the memory recall device and the added psychogenic properties of the ‘Blood of Sokar’, I think it weakened my natural filtering mechanism and allowed her memories to flood my mind.”

 

She looked over her shoulder at him, her face white, her eyes wide and sad. “Jack, she was ruthless. She did things,” Sam shuddered, her eyes closing briefly, ”things I can’t even bear to think about much less try to deal with.” He felt his hands clenching in his lap as she continued. “I keep telling myself she had to be ruthless, to achieve as much as she did against the Goa’uld. But underlying it all, Jack, is a feeling of pleasure. She enjoyed it, Jack! She even found pleasure in seducing Bynar....”

 

Her voice trailed off again and Jack sat motionless, trying to absorb her words and their implication. That the Tok’ra could be ruthless, he had no doubt. And besides, he’d witnessed Jolinar’s ruthlessness and innate arrogance firsthand. He fastened onto her last comment, somehow sensing it was important. “I thought you told Martouf that Jolinar loved him?”

 

“She did, though I sense it as more Rosha,” she replied, naming Jolinar’s host, “than Jolinar that loved.”

 

He was still confused. “But, you told Martouf that what she did was terrible?”

 

Sam laughed harshly. “God, Jack, how could I tell him that the woman he loved and adored had enjoyed the sexual power she held over Bynar? And that in spite of the circumstances surrounding her imprisonment, that she actually take pleasure from seducing him and dominating him?” Sam looked at him again, her eyes bleak. “And it wasn’t the first time she’d done something like that either. Martouf never knew, she kept it all from him.”

 

“Wow,” was all Jack could say. He couldn’t even begin to imagine how she was coping with all those foreign feelings and sensations. His brief experience at the hands of Apophis had been amazingly vivid and intense—and they were his own memories! And here Sam was, having to deal with her memories and Jolinar’s. “Sam...” he floundered for a minute, knowing he was going to state the obvious, yet not knowing what else to say. “Those things didn’t happen to you, they happened to her.”

 

She was once more gazing towards the fire, so he could only see the back of her head. “Oh, I know, Jack, “ she said softly. “That’s what I keep telling myself. But the memories are so strong and sometimes I feel like I’m losing my identity in the midst of her memories.” She shuddered, “It all just seems so real...I can feel his hot breath, his sweaty hands, his cruel mouth....”

 

Okay, Jack thought, this was totally not what he’d expected to hear from her. That she wasn’t talking about Martouf was obvious...so, more than likely she meant Bynar. And, he realized with uncanny insight, it probably explained her reactions every time he touched her. “Sam, that was Jolinar....”

 

She interrupted him. “Oh, I know that it happened to her, Jack. But god, I still feel like it happened to me!” Her voice broke on a sob; “I feel so dirty; like he violated me.”

 

Her broken voice and bare confession did him in and, sliding down onto the floor next to her, he pulled her into his arms. She came without a struggle, and he held her tight, her head buried in his throat. He rested his cheek against her soft hair and slowly rocked back and forth. She kept on talking, her painful words burning into him. “Every time you touch me, I keep telling myself over and over that it’s okay, it’s Jack. And then I’ll remember and all I can think is that if you knew about this awfulness inside of me, you wouldn’t want to be touching me.”

 

This additional revelation totally blew him away. How could she think he wouldn’t still want her, still love her? God, she was everything to him! He tightened his arms around her, rubbing his cheek against her hair. “God, Sam...you mean everything to me! I love you—no matter what’s happened to you—or your memories.”

 

She tilted her head back then against his shoulder and looked at him, her brilliant blue eyes bright with tears. “Your love is the only thing that’s been holding me together. I’m just so sorry I’ve been putting you through all this shit.” She laughed wearily, burying her face one more against his chest. “I’m such a mess.”

 

“Ah, baby,” he murmured, resuming his slow rocking motion, gently stroking her back in long, easy caresses. She fell quiet and he felt the deep breath she took before she pulled out of his arms.

 

“What’s for dinner tonight?” she asked, her voice quivering slightly. He could tell she was struggling to act normally.

 

Following her lead, he answered casually. “I thought I’d grill the steaks.”

 

She almost smiled. “In the snow?”

 

“It’s a gas grill,” he reminded her with a small smirk.

 

She stood up then and looked down at him, her whole tone and posture apologetic. “I don’t think I can eat a whole steak, Jack.”

 

He got to his feet, too. “No problem, you can have part of mine.” She nodded, looking relieved. Jack glanced at his watch, “I’ll get a couple of potatoes on to bake—by the time they’re finished, it’ll be dinner time.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Sam found herself dawdling in the bathroom again, prolonging her bedtime rituals. She knew Jack was waiting in bed for her and she was trying to work up the nerve to join him. They’d had a pleasant, undemanding evening and she’d even managed to eat most of her baked potato and the small portion of steak Jack had given her. They hadn’t talked about her earlier confession, and she was just as glad because—oddly enough—the evening had been one of the most relaxed ones she’d spent in weeks. She had already decided earlier, that if Jack approached her tonight, she wouldn’t turn him away. And now that the time had actually arrived to join him in bed, she was once more filled with the fear that she wouldn’t be able to separate Jack from her confused memories of Bynar. She felt almost near despair, she craved her lover’s touch and missed the physical intimacy with him, and part of her knew instinctively that making love with him would go a long ways towards healing her emotional and psychological wounds. Looking in the mirror, Sam saw she was still pale, but she thought optimistically that perhaps the circles under eyes weren’t quite as dark. She ran her fingers through her hair, one more time, fluffing it up a bit...and taking a deep breath, went to join Jack.

 

Jack smiled at her and set his book aside when she entered the bedroom. She smiled nervously back at him, noting he’d stripped down to his boxers. He looked so unbearably handsome and she was so very tired of disappointing him.... Crossing over to the far side of the bed, she slipped beneath the covers. He slouched down immediately onto the pillows and she let him pull her into his arms. Wrapping one of her arms around him, she rested her cheek against his warm chest. This is nice, she could do this, she told herself, working at keeping her breathing calm and even.

 

She shivered slightly when he trailed his fingers delicately up her arm. “Feeling better tonight?” he asked, his voice low and deep above her head.

 

Sam nodded, moving he head against his chest. He moved rapidly then, catching her by surprise and rolled her to her back, propping himself above her. She felt her muscles automatically tense and her breathing quicken as he looked down at her. His tender brown eyes seemed to study her for an eternity before he smiled and lowered his head to hers, capturing her lips in a gentle kiss. She kept her eyes open, clutching at his shoulders as he kissed her, letting his familiar touch and taste fill her senses. He slid a possessive hand down to her breasts, his tongue probing insistently at her still closed lips, as he sought entrance.... And suddenly she was back on Netu, in Bynar’s quarters, on his bed...with an agonized whimper, Sam began to panic and pulled her mouth away from Jack’s, her hands now pushing at his shoulders. 

 

“Please,” she begged, tears starting to flow down her cheeks as he continued to try and kiss her, his lips sliding along her jaw. She didn’t know what she was going to do as she continued to struggle impotently beneath him...and then she felt Jack’s entire body tense and shudder over her. He dropped his head briefly to her shoulder, taking deep breaths, before rolling off her and onto his back. Oh god...she lay there trembling in fear and disgust with herself. This was Jack, her lover, the other half of her...she sobbed again.

 

Jack sat up then and Sam watched through tear-filled eyes as he scrubbed his hand over his face and through his hair. “Sam?” He didn’t look at her when he spoke, his voice harsh and strained. “You know I’d never hurt you?”

 

She nodded and managed to choke out, “Yes.”

 

He looked at her then; his expression unreadable and his dark eyes desolate. “Then you’re going to have to decide that you can trust me as well.” And with those words, he got up and left her alone in their suddenly very empty bed.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Jack moaned, keeping his eyes closed; he didn’t want this dream to end! Sam was running her hands teasingly up and down his hair roughened chest, her lips trailing delicate butterfly kisses all over his face. He reached up to capture her head and hold her still so he could kiss her properly, but she whispered, “No,” gently placing his hands back down at his sides.

 

He obeyed her command, moaning again as she sucked and bit her away down his throat, her hands now tracing tantalizing patterns on his belly. Under his boxers, his already erect penis was straining frantically towards her touch. He felt her cool fingers slide beneath the waistband of his boxers and he lifted his hips, aiding in their removal, his erection springing free. Jack opened his eyes, the sensations of the cool night air on his hot flesh telling him this was no dream. And he was right. In the dim early morning light, his lover was kneeling above him, her expression intent as she straddled him. She still wore her nightgown, shielding her body from his sight; but it was hot, naked flesh that brushed against his straining penis as she hovered over him.

 

“Sam,” he groaned, reaching out to once more touch her.

 

“Shh...Jack...” she murmured huskily, not brushing his hands away this time as he grasped her hips, his strong fingers kneading her firm flesh through the soft cotton of her nightie. 

 

“God, Sam,” he gasped when she grasped his penis, angling her pelvis and guiding him to her tender opening. His hands tightened on her hips, a harsh cry torn from him as she slowly lowered herself onto his rigid flesh, taking him deep into her soft depths. His hips jerked convulsively against hers, seeking an even deeper joining as she settled her weight onto him. He dimly heard her soft sigh as she seemed to almost melt around him and she leant back, bracing her hands on his thighs while she rocked her pelvis steadily against him.

 

Jack was lost. It had been so long since they had made love that he knew he couldn’t last long. And Sam...god, she knew exactly how to touch him, to cling to him; her strong legs moving her against him in a relentless rhythm, her internal muscles working in tandem with the movement of her pelvis. He could feel it start to happen for him, and he was still aware enough to know that Sam was nowhere close to climax. Jack slid one of his hands down her belly, trying to find her hot flesh underneath the bunched up nightgown. “No,” she moaned, suddenly shifting her weight forward and grabbing both his hands, pinning them at his side.

 

Surrendering to her demand, Jack gave himself over to her demanding touch. Brief moments later the insistent friction of her snug channel around his engorged shaft as she held him tightly in her body pushed him over the edge. With a low cry that was her name, he emptied himself endlessly into her silky depths. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Jack looked over to where his lover sat working intently on her laptop. He smiled; she had stayed away from anything work-related for over forty-eight hours, so he was feeling generous. He was also feeling damn good, thanks to Sam’s early morning lovemaking. Unfortunately, he didn’t need to be a shrink to understand that since she’d been in total control of the situation she had been able to push aside her fears and make love to him. And that she had totally done it for him; he had no doubt, since he knew she had denied her own release to ensure his. So...while she had made progress by making love to him, it still remained to be seen whether he could make love to her.

 

Jack got up off the sofa and wandered over to where she sat at the small console table. Looking over her shoulder, he murmured, “Whatcha’ doing?”

 

Her fingers paused for a moment on the keyboard before she continued typing. “Kruetzman,” she said, naming one of the SGC’s resident physicists, “has been after me for ages to write a kind of DHD ‘how-to’ manual.” Jack started massaging her shoulders, pleased when she moaned softly before continuing. “Now seemed as good a time as any to work on it." 

 

He continued the massage for a few more minutes, just enjoying the simple intimacy of the moment. “You’ve been at this computer for the last three hours, how about a walk before dinner?”

 

She stretched, moving her shoulders beneath his hands. “Sounds good.” He gave her shoulders one last squeeze before stepping back. She powered down the laptop and then turned, giving him a concerned look. “What about your leg?”

 

“Leg’s good,” he told her, glad that it was the truth. He’d been doing his exercises and the daily walks were helping as well. 

 

She smiled and stood, kissing his cheek. “Just give me a minute to change into my boots.” Jack couldn’t help grinning like an idiot as he watched her walk away. Yes, it looked like things were getting better.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Please, Sam...no...” Jack groaned helplessly as his orgasm claimed him, sweeping him away in a torrent of ecstasy. When he could think again, he lay panting; physically replete and deeply discouraged beneath his lover’s unfulfilled body. She kissed his forehead, caressing his cheek tenderly and then levered herself off of him, leaving him alone in the bed. Jack lay staring up at the ceiling, tugging the sheet up over his naked body, the morning air cool against his sweaty skin now that Sam wasn’t with him. He heard the shower start, like it had every morning for the past three mornings, when Sam had woken him with erotic touches that he was helpless to deny.

 

Fuck, he thought wearily, so much for working on their relationship and trust issues. His initial enthusiasm over their early morning encounters was rapidly waning as he reluctantly realized they weren’t making any progress. Ever since the first morning she’d made love to him, Sam had reverted back to coming to bed after he was asleep and then waking him in the early hours of the morning with mind-blowing sex. But...it was just sex; he had finally been forced to conclude, and one-sided sex at that, since she never let herself climax. Physically she was there, using her body to give him pleasure, but emotionally she wasn’t. They weren’t sharing in the experience; it was something she was doing to him. And though she was more receptive to his casual touches, she still hadn’t let him initiate their intimate encounters. They only had two more days at the cabin until they needed to return to the Springs, and even though he had wanted to let her set the pace, her behavior was going to—once more—force him to take some kind of action. God knows, he didn’t want to push her, but she was going to have to show him that she trusted him with more than just her words.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Sam? Would you come here for a minute, please?”

 

Sam looked up from her laptop to where Jack stood in the archway between the living room and dining area. He looked relaxed, but tired...and there seemed to be a certain tenseness around his eyes. She knew his leg barely bothered him now, just as she knew the only thing still between them were her memories. “Just give me a second to close this application?”

 

He nodded, leaning against the wall. He may have been trying for casual, but he couldn’t fool her, she thought. Sam automatically moved the cursor, quitting the program when her last thought exploded in her consciousness. He couldn’t fool her...so why did she think she could fool him? Oh god...she was the foolish one, thinking that by keeping him physically satisfied that he’d assume she was getting better. It may have worked for the first day or so, but this morning she had heard the despair in his voice when he’d climaxed under her intended touches. And while he may have achieved physical release, she knew they were still miles apart emotionally. 

 

Wary, but curious, Sam stood and stretched; Jack straightened up and started walking away from her, down the hallway towards the bedrooms. She followed, becoming more apprehensive the closer they got to the master bedroom. He went into the bedroom and stood just inside the door. She smiled faintly at him as she entered; the smile faltering when she saw that the bed covers were neatly turned back and that he’d lit a fire in the fireplace. Weak afternoon sunlight filtered in through the window; the room looked cozy and inviting and she was suddenly terrified. Sam felt her heart start to pound when Jack closed the door. He stepped forward and she found herself automatically retreating as he approached her. Realizing what she was doing, she forced herself to stop and face him.

 

“Do you trust me, Sam?” His voice was deep and vibrating with emotion. 

 

She looked at his unsmiling face in confusion. What kind of question was that? “Of course I do,” she replied automatically. 

 

A brief flash of pain crossed his handsome features and he ran his hand through his short hair. “Then show me, Sam.” He gestured towards the bed. “Let me make love to you.”

 

She felt all the color drain out of her face, her palms suddenly sweaty as she clasped and unclasped her hands together nervously. “We’ve been making love,” she countered weakly. Her earlier insight regarding what had been occurring between them in the early hours of the morning fading in the reality of his request.

 

He sighed heavily. “We’ve been having sex.” He laughed bitterly, the sound telling her how deeply he was hurt. “There hasn’t been any love involved at all.” He gave her a serious look that seemed to search into the very heart of her. “You’re using sex to avoid dealing with our problems and to control me.” He gave her a wry smile. “Is that any different than what Jolinar did?’

 

If he would have slapped her, she couldn’t have been more surprised. She knew her mouth fell open as she simply stared at him; his words forcing her to try and take an objective look at her actions. She loved him! She didn’t want to control him! She wanted their relationship to be one of sharing and caring and supporting each other. Feeling her knees start to weaken, she quickly sat down on the edge of the bed. God, what was she doing to them? “I’ve been so confused,” she whispered.

 

“I know, babe.”

 

“I just want things back to the way they were before.”

 

“It isn’t going to happen, Sam.”

 

She looked up at him, tears starting to form in her eyes, the tenderness and understanding in his voice undoing her. She had to make him understand. “How can you still love me? How can you bear to even touch me—or let me touch you—knowing what’s inside of me?” 

 

“Let me show you.” He held out his hand to her and she looked steadily at him through her tears. Nothing but love and patience and understanding shown in his eyes. This is Jack, she reminded herself, and she held out her hand to him.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Relief flooded through Jack as he gently grasped Sam’s outstretched hand. He had been more afraid than he wanted to admit, that his plan to force her into confronting at least their intimacy issues, wouldn’t work. And while he hadn’t expected the self-loathing and despair in her stark confession, he knew that nothing would convince her—or help to restore her trust—but that he show her.

 

Keeping hold of her hand, Jack slowly sat down on the bed next to her. Threading their fingers together, he wrapped his left arm around her shoulders, pulling her close. She shuddered and then nestled into his side, her head coming to rest just beneath his chin. Nuzzling her hair, he rested his cheek on her hair and simply held her, allowing her time to get her emotions under control. 

 

It felt so good to just be holding her. “I’ve missed this,” he murmured into her hair.

 

“What?” she sniffled.

 

“I’ve missed just holding you.” Hell, to be honest, he’d missed a lot more too. Jack moved cautiously then, turning and urging her back onto the bed, relieved when she immediately complied and didn’t tense up, though her passivity was almost as alarming. Kicking his shoes off, he tugged hers off as well and moved with her until they both lay in the middle of the wide bed. He could feel her trembling as he lay next to her. Ah Sam, he thought sadly, it was almost beyond his comprehension that she had fallen this far into depression over the recent events. Oh, he knew she’d been in a more serious depression after Jolinar’s death, but this one sure seemed bad enough.

 

He propped himself up on one elbow and she looked up at him, her eyes dry now, though still red. Her lips were parted slightly and he could feel the rapid rise and fall of her chest as she breathed. Using his free hand he gently started caressing her face, running his fingers lovingly over her forehead, brow; down her nose and slowly across her full lips. They trembled slightly and he sighed.

 

“I’m sorry, Jack,” she whispered and his heart broke at the forlorn look in her eyes.

 

He closed his eyes, lowering his forehead to her shoulder briefly before once more gazing intently into her eyes and, cradling her cheek with his hand, murmured, “I’m no memory, Sam, I’m the man who loves you and who will never hurt you.”

 

Sam seemed to relax slightly at his heartfelt words, and whether it was from sheer force of will or because she actually believed him, he couldn’t really tell—nor did he particularly care. Leaning a bit more over her, he started kissing her. Just light touches, brushing and teasing her lips with his. He trailed kisses along her jaw to her ear, catching the lobe between his teeth before sucking it into his mouth. He heard her breath catch—this time with arousal, he was sure—and one of her hands slid up his arm to his shoulder to rest cautiously at his nape. The tentative touch giving him the encouragement he needed to continue his slow seduction. 

 

Moving slowly, he ran his mouth down her throat while he eased more of his weight onto her, sliding one leg over both of hers, encouraging her with small nudges of his knees to spread her legs. She acquiesced, shifting her thighs slightly and he was able to settle more fully onto her, his hips resting in the V of her legs.

 

Jack smiled against her throat, licking where he’d just bitten, when he heard her breath catch at the contact and her hand tighten in his hair. He raised his head to look at her. Her breathing was still rapid, but he could tell by the slight flush on her cheekbones that it was from his kisses and his touch. He smiled lazily at her and her lips curved in a shy smile in return, her fingers dancing lightly along his nape. Jack knew that at least, at this moment, he was the only person in her thoughts and he fervently hoped it would stay that way!

 

She breathed just his name then, “Jack.” It took all his will power to control the burst of desire that flashed through him at that one simply voiced word. However, he merely lowered his head to hers and captured her mouth in a tender kiss. She stiffened slightly and not wanting to frighten her, he kept his touch light, moving his lips gently against hers until he felt her relax once more. Sliding a hand into her hair, he delicately traced her lips with his tongue. She sighed and opened her mouth to him. He teased her with brief touches of his tongue until he felt her tongue against his in response. Only then did he deepen the kiss, stroking deep into the hot recesses of her mouth. He felt her other hand come up and clutch at his shoulder, her body starting to move slowly beneath him, rubbing herself against his groin, where he lay between her legs.

 

Kissing her for what seemed like hours, Jack simply enjoyed the pleasure of tasting her mouth again and the intimacy of shared touches and caresses. He pulled his mouth free from hers and whispered against her kiss-swollen lips, “I’ve missed this, too.”

 

He felt her lips curve into a smile against his as she murmured, her tone teasing, “So...why are you stopping?”

 

Amazed and delighted by her playful attitude, he caught her lower lip between his teeth, tugging gently before releasing it and muttering roughly, “I’m a long way from stopping.” Capturing her mouth once more in a deeper kiss, he ran his hand slowly down her ribs to her waist, slipping his hand under her sweater, caressing the smooth skin of her belly. She jerked slightly at the touch and he stopped, lifting his head and checking her expression.

 

“Your hand’s cold,” she complained breathlessly.

 

Jack smiled in relief. “It’ll get warmer real soon,” he promised, urging her towards him a little bit as he slid his hand under her back, releasing the fastenings of her bra. She shivered again as he feathered light touches along her ribs, slipping his hand under the loosened bra cup and rubbing his thumb over her nipple. This time, however, he knew his hand wasn’t cold, so her reactions had to be because she was enjoying his touch. Sam arched her back slightly, seeking a firmer touch and he obliged, kneading the firm mound and pinching lightly at the now-taut peak. He moved his hand to her other breast, treating it to the same delicate caresses, watching her face carefully as her eyes drifted shut, her expression dreamy. Encouraged, he murmured her name, and when she opened her eyes he whispered, “Help me,” tugging on the hem of her sweater. 

 

Her sweet smile almost took his breath away as she arched her back slightly and then lifted her shoulders as he pulled her sweater up and then off. She lay back against the pillows, her hair even more tousled, her lacy bra having ridden up in the process, leaving her beautiful breasts half-covered and wantonly exposed. Hooking one flimsy strap with his fingers, he coaxed her into raising one slender arm and then the other as he pulled it off. Flinging it in the general direction of where he’d tossed her sweater, he never once let his eyes leave hers. He could see the arousal beginning to shine in her luminous blue eyes as she slowly ran her hands up his arms to his shoulder, toying with his collar. 

 

“Your turn,” she murmured, her nimble fingers sliding down the front placket as she unbuttoned his shirt. It fell open, the edges brushing against her breasts. She shivered slightly and Jack grinned, moving his torso slightly so that the soft flannel continued to tease her. She moaned softly, “Jack, not fair!” He chuckled and then gasped as she worked a soft hand under his thermal undershirt, running her nails lightly across his belly. 

 

“Sam...” he groaned, his hips arching into hers at the unexpected caress.

 

“Jack...” she moaned, flexing her knees even more and hooking a leg around his hips while she tugged futilely at his undershirt. God, but he needed to feel her naked flesh against his! Moving awkwardly, since he didn’t want to startle her too much, he shrugged out of his flannel shirt, helped by her eager hands. 

 

“Easy, Sam,” he chuckled breathlessly as she started tugging again at his undershirt, until they both managed to get him out of it. Still unsure of her reaction, Jack forced himself to move slowly as he eased his weight back down onto her, carefully gauging her response. Her throaty moan gave him all the answer he needed and he wrapped his arms around her, crushing her to him while he kissed her, their mouths meeting in a series of soft, biting kisses as he rubbed his chest slowly back and forth against her breasts. She felt so good, her tight nipples brushing against his lightly furred chest, increasing his already rampant arousal. But this wasn’t about him; it was about Sam and replacing her nightmare memories with memories of him. He wanted to be the only man Sam had in her mind! 

 

Leaving a trail of wet, open-mouthed kisses along her throat and down to her collarbone, Jack ran his tongue down her breastbone before fastening his hot mouth on her left breast. She groaned quietly, and he felt her hand fasten in his hair as he pulled her rosy nipple deep into her mouth, sucking strongly. He suckled at her breasts for long moments, reacquainting himself with her taste and textures, adding to her arousal. Her pliant body and soft murmurs, along with her fingers clinging tightly to his shoulders all told him that she was letting herself enjoy his caresses. Emboldened by her response, Jack let one of his hands drift down her abdomen to the waistband of her jeans, toying with the button there. He felt her belly quiver against his fingers and her sudden intake of breath, and then she sighed his name. Leaving one last kiss in the valley between her breasts, he sat back on his knees between her spread legs. 

 

“Jack,” she murmured again, raking her nails down one cloth-covered thigh and arching her back, raising her pelvis enticingly towards him. He grinned at her, desire riding him hard, though he knew he still had a long way to go before he—or Sam—would be satisfied.

 

“Yeah, babe?” he muttered, quickly shucking off his slacks and boxers before once more kneeling between her legs. Bringing his hands to the fastenings on her jeans, he popped the button and slid the zipper down. She didn’t answer him, but he knew what she wanted. Hooking his hands in the waistband, he tugged at the material. “Lift your hips, Sam,” he instructed hoarsely, and when she did, he quickly tugged her jeans and panties down over her butt. She lifted her legs straight up then, a movement of such erotic flexibility that it always amazed him, and he pulled her jeans and panties off in one fluid movement, flinging them to the floor. She gracefully lowered her legs, letting them drape provocatively across his thighs, opening herself to him. 

 

God, but she was gorgeous, he almost felt like he was seeing her this way for the first time, it had been so long since she had let him this close...in spite of the ‘sex’ she’d given him the last three mornings. Her blonde hair was nicely tousled—by his hands, her eyes half-closed and dreamy, her lips swollen and red from his kisses. Her breasts rose and fell enticingly with each rapid breath she took; her pale, slender arms reaching out to him; her firm belly and mound of soft blond curls guarding her secret places, all luring him back into her arms. And while he was pleased that so far she had been receptive to his touches, he knew she was still in control and he wasn’t sure how she would respond once he really started to push at her self-imposed boundaries.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Sam looked steadily at her lover, trying desperately to get her breathing under control. Always a generous lover, Jack seemed to be taking even more care than usual in arousing her. Of course, she had practically forced him into this, what with her unwillingness to ‘deal’ with her screwed-up memories. But oh, he made her feel so cherished...and it was only Jack who could make her feel this way, no one else, she fervently acknowledged. She feathered her hands down his arms until she grasped his wrists. “Jack,” she murmured huskily, still unsure as to how she would react the further this progressed, but determined to see it through. “What are you waiting for?”

 

“You,” he breathed and she wrapped her arms tightly around him as he once more covered her body with his. Oh god, he was so heavy...and strong...and he loved her. Focus on that, Sam, she reminded herself, this is Jack, the man who loves you. She squirmed, shifting subtly beneath him as he propped himself up on his elbows over her, his hips pushing forcefully into hers, his rigid length pressing into her soft belly. Sam kept her eyes open, focusing on his deep brown eyes as he framed her face with his hands. “You are so beautiful,” he whispered, dropping his head and brushing her lips with his. She clutched at his shoulders, her fingers digging into his taut muscles as he deepened the kiss, one hand continuing to hold her head for his ravenous mouth while the other glided delicately down her throat. His clever fingers danced across her collarbone and feathered down her ribs before sliding down her thigh and tucking behind her knee, pulling her leg up higher around him. She moaned as the movement allowed him to press his hips even further between her spread legs, his penis now rubbing insistently against her moist folds. She forced herself relax though, as he continued to kiss her and tenderly stroke and fondle her, wherever he was able to reach with his one free hand. 

 

Jack knew her body too well, and Sam soon found herself becoming lost in the sensations his hands, mouth and body aroused in her. Thankfully, she found she could only focus her thoughts on one thing, the man currently making love to her...and it was love, she realized hazily as her whole body shuddered when Jack pulled back slightly and stroked through her soft folds with a tender finger. She unconsciously moved her hips against his hand and fingers, while he carefully caressed her, never lingering in one place for long, spreading the moisture of her arousal around her soft folds. His maddening touch was beginning to remind her of all she had missed the past few mornings when she had made love to him but hadn’t allowed herself to find release. At the time, to her messed-up head, it had seemed the right thing, that she didn’t deserve to receive any pleasure from her lover. But now...Jolinar’s mocking voice inside her brain seemed to be fading with every minute Jack spent worshipping her body. 

 

Sam closed her eyes, letting her head fall back on the pillow as she felt Jack kiss his way down her breastbone to tease her bellybutton with his tongue. His strong hands glided along her thighs to her knees and she allowed him to drape her legs over his shoulders as he moved down on the bed. Even though she knew and welcomed what was coming, she still stiffened when she felt his hot breath on her exposed flesh. A hand tightened on her hip and he murmured, “Sam.” She immediately forced herself to relax at the sound of his voice, resting a trembling hand on his head. Sam whimpered at the first tentative touch of his lips and then his tongue, her already heightened arousal increasing dramatically as he alternated with sucking and licking her clitoris. The warm, rough texture of his tongue and the soft suction of his lips pushing her closer and closer to the edge. Keeping her eyes closed, she concentrated on his touch and the feel of him as he caressed her; his mouth becoming more demanding as pleasure expanded and grew within her. 

 

And then, all of a sudden it was too much, the loss of control she could feel spreading through her reminding her too much of how out of control she had felt when she was at the mercy of Apophis...and the memory recall device. She had to stay in control, she thought desperately, or Jolinar’s memories would come back and never leave! “Jack,” she gasped, tugging at his shoulders. “Stop, please....” He didn’t seem to hear her, and she started struggling in earnest, trying to move away from the captivity of his mouth and hands before she lost herself forever. “Jack,” she pleaded, almost sobbing now and her frantic movements seemed to have reached him as he suddenly released her hips, and she thought she was free until she was pinned beneath his hard body. 

 

“Jack, please...” she whimpered, still trying to wriggle free from him, “please....”

 

He grunted, easily controlling her futile movements; and she gave up when he trapped her legs with his and settled his full weight on her, pressing her into the mattress and pinning her wrists in an implacable grip, at shoulder level. “Sam?” he growled, desire and frustration both evident in that one word. She felt the deep breath he took, and then in a calmer voice he added, “Sam—look at me babe, please?”

 

She slowly opened her eyes, fully expecting to see anger and contempt in his eyes, directed solely at her. It was what she deserved, all that she deserved...oh god, she could live with failing herself, but she couldn’t stand having failed Jack. “Sam,” he asked, his deep brown eyes filled with only love and concern, “what happened?” 

 

“I....” She could feel the tears rising to the surface at his simple question and couldn’t find the courage to continue. 

 

He released one of her hands, cupping her cheek, his thumb wiping at her tears. “I know you’re scared. I know you’re afraid that if you lose control, you’ll disappear.” She shivered, clutching at his arm, blown away by his insight.

 

“How do you know?” she whispered, searching his love-filled eyes.

 

“Because it’s happened to me, too.” She unconsciously turned her face into his caress, as he stroked her cheek, smoothing her sweat-dampened hair back from her face.

 

“What did you do?” Curiousity outweighing her fear as she looked at her lover. Could he really know how she felt?

 

“Went to Abydos.” He grinned wryly at her, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes. She smiled weakly, her thoughts and emotions in a muddle. Knowing that Jack had experienced something similar was comforting...and unexpected. There was so much she didn’t know about him, and he continually amazed her with his unexpected insights and sensitivity. “Hey,” he murmured, continuing to stroke her hair. “Sometimes, you think...”

 

“...way too much,” she finished for him.

 

“Right.” He grinned and she felt something tight inside her suddenly uncoil and relax. Sam slid her hands up to his shoulders when he released her other wrist. He lowered his head until their lips were almost touching. “Just feel...and trust me to keep you safe.”

 

“Yes,” she whispered, her lips brushing his in a delicate touch. Her heart had always trusted him and now she needed to show that to him. 

 

A low groan rumbled up from deep in his chest and the next thing she knew, she was held tight in his arms again, his mouth fastened on hers. Sam moaned softly, opening her mouth to the insistent pressure of his lips and demanding touch of his tongue. One hand held her head steady for his ravenous kisses while the other trailed down her side in a powerful caress, sweeping down her hip and urging her knee up. Evidently he had decided that slow and easy wasn’t the approach to use as he continued stroking and caressing her, his hands sure and strong. She whimpered, feeling desire starting to grow within her as his hands and body once more worked their magic. At his urging, she shifted, cradling his hips once again between her firm thighs, his still erect penis again pressing into her soft folds. Running her hands down his back, she clutched his ass and ground her pelvis against him, this time seeking the contact that she knew would bring her the ultimate pleasure. 

 

“Please, Jack,” she moaned, her hands tugging at his hips, urging him closer to her softness as she tightened her legs around him. His penis nudged through her still swollen and slick folds, the pleasurable sensations arousing her further, rather than frightening her this time. “Yes,” she whimpered, when she felt his hand slide down between their bodies and probe delicately at her tender opening. She knew she was more than ready this time as his fingers stroked easily through her soft folds, spreading the moisture of her arousal. 

 

“Look at me, Sam.” She obeyed his command and opened her eyes. She could feel the tension in his muscles as he hovered over her, his penis poised at the entrance to her snug channel. Her lover’s features were hard with desire, his eyes blazing with passion and tenderness as he slowly moved his hips, pushing his way slowly into her. Sam ran her hands up his back, to clutch at his strong arms as he kept probing deeper, his movements sure and deliberate.

 

Oh god, it felt so good, she thought hazily, struggling to keep her eyes open; the exquisite sensations of pressure and fullness as he filled her making her feel strong and powerful instead of weak and helpless. She gasped softly; never taking her eyes from his as he moaned and suddenly thrust deep, seating himself fully in her silky depths. 

 

“Are you okay?” he muttered, his voice strained and hoarse. 

 

Sam’s heart melted even more at this obvious concern for her and his efforts to control his passion. Releasing her firm grip on one of his arms, she smiled encouragingly, caressing his rough cheek. “Yes,” she whispered, shifting her pelvis and tightening her legs around his lean hips, luring him even deeper.

 

“God, Sam...” he groaned and started moving in a slow and easy rhythm against her. She was amazed at his control as he kept his movements calm and deliberate, withdrawing almost fully before plunging back in to the hilt. Swept along by the sheer force of will exuded by her lover, Sam unconsciously began matching her movements to his. The ease of routine and familiarity enabled her to keep her focus on Jack to the exclusion of everything else while they moved together. Jack soon began moving more powerfully into her and Sam met his forceful thrusts eagerly. She moved easily with him, letting out a soft cry when he suddenly shifted, urging her legs further back onto her body, forcing him even deeper into her willing body.

 

And willing she was, as she shifted her legs to higher around his waist and ran her hands down his flanks to his hips, clutching at the firm muscles there as they flexed smoothly beneath her hands every time he thrust into her. The familiar, yet somehow, new sensations, engendered by his skilled touch and movements slowly, but surely, acted to bring her closer to the ultimate in pleasure. Sam whimpered when he moved, lifting himself slightly away from her, he couldn’t leave her now! But then she sighed and gasped his name when one sure hand slipped between their bodies and he unerringly found and began stroking her sensitive bud. The combined sensations from the insistent pressure of his skillful fingers and his deep, probing thrusts both worked their magic on her heightened senses. She gripped his hips tighter when she felt the first telltale stirrings of her orgasm, the tension coiling and building deep inside her, from where they were joined together. “Jack,” she cried frantically, sensation beginning to spiral out of control, “help me!” 

 

“It’s okay. I’ve got you, babe,” he muttered hoarsely. 

 

She was only dimly aware of his words, but the meaning was crystal clear. She forced her eyes open and looked at her lover, his expression rapt, his eyes dark with desire and something else that touched her very soul...love and acceptance. This was Jack, she recognized in an unexpected epiphany; her lover, her friend, her soul mate...the one person she trusted with more than just her life! 

 

“Oh love,” Sam sobbed, her back arching and her hips moving convulsively against him as she surrendered to Jack, her orgasm racing through her body. And even as she felt herself losing control to the powerful sensations pouring through her, her lover held her securely, and she knew she was safe. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The relief Jack felt when Sam finally came in his arms was almost as overwhelming in its intensity. He had been more scared than he had wanted to admit, even to himself, that she might still have turned him away. Continuing to hold himself still and deep inside her trembling body as her orgasm rippled through her, he ruthlessly ignored the relentless contractions of her internal muscles around his rigid length. Instead, Jack concentrated on the movement of his fingers on her throbbing clitoris, striving to provide her with the ultimate in ecstasy. There would plenty of time for his release; Sam’s pleasure was his priority now. Keeping up his tender ministrations until he heard her soft cries of delight fade, he gradually eased his touch as her body began to go lax beneath him, her once clutching hands now clinging weakly to his shoulders. 

 

“Sam,” he whispered urgently, gazing in wonder at her flushed face; her eyes were closed, a look of dreamy contentment suffusing her features. Her eyes fluttered open and he didn’t think he’d ever seen anything more beautiful than the love and adoration he saw shining out of their brilliant blue depths. 

 

“Jack,” she murmured, her voice replete with satisfaction, a delicate hand rising to gently caress his cheek. Jack turned his face into her touch, kissing her palm, before reaching up and gently catching her hand and bringing it back down to rest once more at his hip. Her lips curved into an extremely pleased looking smile and he felt a primal surge of possessiveness flow through him at the sight of his very contented lover. 

 

He smiled at her, not bothering to hide the purely masculine pride he derived from her obvious fulfillment. Sinking more of his weight down on her, he tugged at one of her legs, urging her to once more wrap her legs around him. She readily complied, tilting her pelvis towards him and he couldn’t help but groan as she clasped his hips tightly with her firm thighs, forcing him even deeper into her. His arousal flared back to full life and Jack wrapped his arms around her and, burying his face against her neck, let loose the reins of his desire and began driving for his own release.

 

He pounded into her and she accepted all he had to give her; whispering soft words of encouragement to him, her hands stroking up and down his back. He couldn’t get enough of her, couldn’t get deep enough into her...couldn’t get enough of her love. Totally lost in the woman cradling him within her arms and body, Jack felt his control slip away as the first tendrils of his orgasm began wrapping around his spine. His rhythm faltered and he thrust heavily into her, grinding his hips against her, unbelievable rapture exploding in him with his release. He cried out her name helplessly, shuddering against her soft body while he emptied himself endlessly into her soft depths.

 

Jack collapsed heavily on her, his chest heaving and his breath ragged against her throat, his muscles still shuddering sporadically from the remnants of his orgasm. He was dimly aware of her soft hands stroking his hair, his neck, his shoulders; her voice a soothing murmur in his ear. He nestled closer and simply enjoyed the sweet intimacy of the shared moment, when nothing existed except the two of them in this bed. That they were one step closer to putting to rest some of Sam’s demons, he was certain. That she had shown herself that she could trust him, he was also certain. However, he was also certain that she still had a way to go before she’d be free of the specter of Jolinar. They all had their own personal demons to fight, but at least now, he and his lover were fighting hers together.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Jack rolled over and groaned, god, what time was it? He opened one eye to the dim light of twilight. “Hey,” he muttered, both eyes finally opening enough to focus on the sight of his lover as she pulled on a soft blue sweatshirt.

 

“Hey yourself,” she answered, her smile lighting up his heart. She turned on the dresser lamp then, and Jack could see her clearly—and was relieved by what he saw. She looked content; the haunted look and tight set to her mouth that had been on her face ever since their return from Netu had faded. Oh, he was not so naïve as to believe it was completely gone...but, they’d won a major battle today.

 

“Whatcha’ doing?” he asked.

 

“I’m starved,” she admitted, smiling sheepishly at him. “I was going to look for something to eat.”

 

Jack quickly inventoried the minimal contents of the kitchen and then glanced at the beside clock, 1730. “What do you say we drive into Woodland Park? Eat at the Hungry Bear?”

 

She flashed him that brilliant smile again. “Sounds great! I love their chicken-fried steak.”

 

Jack sat up, stretching and yawning, rubbing his chest. “I’m going to take a quick shower, and then we’ll go, okay?” 

 

She surprised him—yet again that day—by crossing the few steps it took her to reach the bed and, resting a hand on his shoulder, gave him a breath-taking kiss. He moaned and she chuckled, pulling away and grinning at him—her baby blues sparkling with humor. “Go take your shower, Jack. I really am starving—for food,” she added, patting his cheek and turning, walking towards the door.

 

“That’s okay, baby,” he called out after her. “I’ll make sure all your appetites get satisfied.” He grinned himself at the wonderful sound of her laughter echoing back to him from the hallway.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Oh, Jack...please...” His lover panted over him, her hips moving relentlessly against him as she ground herself against him, seeking release. 

 

Jack trailed his right hand from her hip, across her quivering belly to the point where they bodies were joined, probing delicately until he found just the right spot. She cried out softly, her hands tightening on his shoulders as she rocked forward on him, pressing her hot flesh against his fingers. He expertly massaged her tender bud, her soft cries telling him of her pleasure as she convulsed over him. God, she was magnificent! Grinding herself against him, her back arching, displaying her beautiful breasts and the long line of her throat as she cried out his name in ecstasy. 

 

He caught her as she collapsed on him, his hands once more going to her hips and holding her steady as he started thrusting again. She was a warm weight on top of him, her face buried in his throat, her gasping breaths hot against his skin. His hands tightened on her hips and he thrust up sharply, his orgasm already starting. Her internal muscles were still contracting around his rigid length when he exploded inside of her, milking him dry as he filled her with his seed. 

 

God, he felt incredible...it was so much better this way, sharing their passion instead of going solo. He gave voice to his thought, running his hands soothingly up and down her back. “This is nice,” he gasped, nuzzling her hair where she still had her face buried in his throat. “Much better, this way.”

 

He heard her soft sigh, then her lips in a wet kiss against his neck. She moved then, propping herself up with her arms resting across his chest. She smiled crookedly at him. “I know....” She reached out, her hand a delicate touch on his forehead as she smoothed his sweaty hair back. “Have I thanked you yet?” 

 

Jack caught her hand as she traced a finger down his cheek and kissed her palm. “You don’t have to thank me,” he murmured roughly. 

 

“Maybe I don’t, but I’m going to.” She took a deep breath. “Thank you for having faith in me and not giving up on me.”

 

She was just so much his major sometimes, he thought, adoring her even more. This time, he reached up and caressed her cheek. “I love you,” he said simply and from the heart. “I couldn’t have done anything else.” Her lips started to quiver, her eyes suddenly bright with tears. “Hey, none of that,” he chided her gently.

 

“I’m sorry,” she sniffled, wiping at her eyes with the back of hand. “I know I’ve been kind of out of control emotionally, since we got back.” She closed her eyes for a moment, and Jack could tell by the expressions chasing across her face that she was trying to decide whether to tell him something. She opened her eyes then, and looked a little self-consciously at him. “Doctor Mackenzie gave me some medicine, to help. Paroxetine.” 

 

He nodded, recognizing the generic name for the anti-depressant. 

 

“I started taking it yesterday. He said it will take a week or so before I notice any difference.” She looked so unsure, so unlike her usual self, that it tore at his heart. “I just wanted you to know.”

 

“Nothing wrong with that, babe,” he reassured her, once more running his hands up and down her back in long, soothing strokes. "Anti-depressants can be good,” he grinned at her, his expression wry. “Hell, I’ve even been on them a time or three, myself.”

 

Sam seemed to relax a bit then, with his admission. “I...it’s just hard for me to be...ah, less than perfect sometimes....” She sighed, “And god knows, this whole Jolinar’s memories business hasn’t helped.”

 

Jack knew he had to ask, yet he found himself reluctant to actually put it into words, everything had been going so well between them. But, he had to know.... “You’re feeling better now, though? About that whole business with what she did?”

 

Sam rolled off him then, and Jack wished he hadn’t asked, he’d been enjoying their closeness. She didn’t leave the bed though, just curled up at his side, resting her head on his shoulder, her hand resting on his chest. Her touch was light and caressing as she stroked his chest, running her fingers through the soft mat of hair there. Tugging the covers up over them, he pulled her closer, resting his chin on the top of her head. “So....” 

 

“So...I can do my job, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

 

His arms tightened around her. “I know, Sam,” he replied, his voice firm. And he was glad to be able to say it truthfully. Yesterday at this time, it might have been a different story, but her willingness to show him her trust and her ultimate response to him had told him all he needed to know. “I’ve never doubted that you could do your job. What I needed to know was if I still had your trust.” He slid a hand up into her hair and tugged her head back, so he could see her face. “And you needed to know it as well.” He could see understanding fill her eyes with his simple statement. She nodded and he released her head as she laid it back down on his chest.

 

“When did you get to be so wise, mister?” 

 

“Must be the company I keep,” he responded casually. He smiled when she chuckled, snuggling closer into his arms.

 

“Do we really have to go back tomorrow?” she asked after a few moments.

 

He smiled, stroking her hair. “’Fraid so, babe. It’s back to work for us.” 

 

“Then...can we just spend today in bed?”

 

Jack grinned and tightened his arms around her, rolling quickly, so that she lay beneath him. She smirked; batting her baby blues at him and he growled, “Hell, yes.” Lowering his head slowly to hers, he brushed her mouth with his lips, his voice filled with love as he murmured, “We can work on making more of Samantha’s memories.”

 

THE END


End file.
